Monday, May 10, 2010

bigger things

I went to a memorial service for the infant daughter of a good friend of mine this weekend. She was born premature, the mom and dad had less than a day with her. Long enough for an outfit change, some pictures, and a lifetime of unspeakable pain.

I wasn't going to post about it. But I can't get it out of my head. I've been in pain before, and a pretty good dose of it too. Broken bones, 100s of stitches, concussions. Emotionally, I've been there as well. I was thinking about that too, this weekend. The parents of the daughter and I have had our share of nights out on the town when we were in college. They used to joke about how attached I would get to someone, only to have it eternally blowing up in my face.

But nothing I ever went through, no laceration, "its-not-you-its-me", or dream deferred ever hurt like Friday night. I never met the baby, never saw her except for the pictures in the memorial service, but I could not stop crying. I couldn't sleep until Sunday night, haven't been hungry. I don't think you are supposed to get more emo as you get older.

I think it's that, even the worst possible thing that can happen to you as a parent, is better than anything that happens to you when you aren't.

I hope I got that right.





The child they had, but didn't have, that they will have forever.

1 comment:

Spockgirl said...

This is highly unusual - normally I only comment on ONE post, but it would appear that yours merit serious consideration. At the end of this post, you say: "I don't think you are supposed to get more emo as you get older." I think it all depends on your starting point. As I was a serious kid, I became a rather unemotional adult, so where was there to go? If there is no love or hate, then the next strongest emotion would be grief, and in my case, it is felt for others, not for any loss of my own. Does that actually make sense?