Wednesday, January 28, 2009

snow day

Early 2009 Rumination.

1. How in the world do they do the dancing animations for the Backyardigans? I would love to see an episode where they break-dance fight.

2. Will I ever speak with a medical doctor who has any clue what it is I do?

3. You cannot exercise and stretch your way out of significant subluxation. Period.

4. Sometimes you have to shove health down people's throats.

5. 2 year molars, we hates them.

6. I miss my barbecue pit.

7. Health is not the absence of symptoms, corollary to that; pain is not due to an absence of drugs or an excess of organs.

8. I drink too much coffee.

Friday, January 23, 2009

bring me your huddled masses

New dads, I have heard your pleas. I know the depths of your pain and am here to offer you the way out.

These are the things you need to do when you want to get your newborn or toddler to sleep through the night (or just go to bed).

1) Make a routine and stick with it no matter what. This is the hardest, but the most important. Little brains are busy shaving off white matter and gray matter and organizing new connections, its an awesome sequence of enzymes and catalysts. What does this have to do with you? You can develop a habit or pattern in those young minds by using the same environmental cues at the same time each day. Give the baby a bath, turn the lights down, read to him or her (no t.v.) in the baby's room. As much as you can, recreate the same scene every night. This is difficult for new parents who may still be used to the 'stay up till whenever thing'. Those days are gone. You traded them in for your bundle of joy.

2) Put the thermostat down and slowly back away. Most of the parents I speak with about this react like I just deleted their TiVo. I completely understand the desire to make sure the child is comfortable, especially when you won't be in the room. Understand that most humans will sleep better in a colder environment. It induces the sleep reflex. If your child is flush while sleeping, you may have too much heat for their sleep to be relaxed and uninterrupted. In general, if you have the room temperature below 70 degrees (F) you are in the ballpark.

3) See you in hell! Placing a sleeping baby in a cold bed will not work well for you. Especially when you think you've almost got the baby down. Using a warm towel or flannel sheets to warm that bed up or keep it warm will work wonders for you.

4) Just 10 minutes more, please. Drapes, shutters, black paint, anything but those airline eye patches to keep the room dark. This will buy you time enough time in the morning to get to the coffee pot, thereby saving everyone a rocky start.

4) Fight on! At first, the new routine will be annoying for both of you. Stick with it, over time the pattern will take effect, you will notice your baby getting sleepy as soon as you begin the routine.

5) Act cool. Any mom will have this information because they have already researched it 1000 times. What scores you monster points is then you know this information. Don't tell her I told you, act like you knew it on your own. She will be reassured that she selected you as a mate.

Let me know how it goes, and good luck out there!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

assignment of blame.

"Dr. Fink, my doctor said I have pre-hypertension, he said I will need to start taking drugs."

"Tell him you are pre-death as well, ask him if you should be taking drugs for that. Also mention that you are pre-prostate enlargement, see if he will give you an exam. Ask him if he has any drugs for pre-high cholesterol so that you can eat whatever you want completely free of any physical responsibility. See if he has drugs that will let you spend whatever amount of money you want whenever you want and never have to pay it back. Tell him you are glad he doesn't take on the responsibility to educate you on the 7 ways that are more effective at reducing 'pre-hypertension' than just shotgunning drugs into patients. Ask him if he wants me to call him and give him a brief overview of human nutrition. Ask him if he thinks people get sick because they have a shortage of drugs in their system."

"Dr. Fink, you scare me."

"Yeah, I know. Doctor who cares right? That must be terrifying."





Monday, January 19, 2009

you stop it.

When you are driving down the road and the little red "check engine" light comes on, what do you do? Do you put tape over the light so you don't have to look at it?

If you don't talk to your wife for 1 month how is your relationship going to be?

Going to the gym once per month? How are those abs gonna look?

Walking once per lunar cycle? How is that going to impact your heart health?

When I in school I had a friend who could cram for tests like no other, the guy would eat books whole, then puke 'em out during test time. His grades were pretty good too and this was biochemistry we are talking about. It was impressive. My father in law has a large farm, on one part of it we have corn and winter wheat. How well do you think that wheat would grow if we just ran out there the night before we wanted to harvest and planted and watered the crop. Would it grow overnight? Is it possible to cram growth and development? Do you you think your health is closer to a cramming for test situation or a growing crop situation?

Stop with the b.s. about your health. You know it and I know it isn't going to work any other way that for you to eat right, sleep right, and get some damn exercise. Diets do not work, they never have, they never will. I don't care about the 3 or 4 people they plaster all over the magazine covers who used some miraculous diet.

Your body works on a universal set of principles similar to the principles that make corn grow. It can't be rushed or tricked. That is the truth, and you know it.

Is it inconvenient? Hell yes. Is it worth it? Ask someone who isn't healthy what they would give to be in your shoes.

Monday, January 12, 2009

skill sets

Lately we have been seeing a lot of new dads in the office. It's gotten to the point where I know the wife/girlfriend/co-conspirator is pregnant solely by looking at the man's face. I gotta tell 'ya, it's pretty brutal to look at sometimes. I have made it a point to pull them aside (the man) and issue several edicts that, if they follow, will make their (the man) transition into fatherhood that much easier.

1) Learn to get dressed in the dark.

If you wake the baby or the sleeping mother you fail and will be disparaged like the other scrub fathers when the moms get together. Your goal is to be the shining dad at these contests. Being able to get up, get your stuff, and get out without waking anyone up is a trick you should have mastered in college. If you did not, take the time before your baby is born to perfect it.

2) Hold the baby every chance you get.

One of the biggest fears that new moms have has nothing to do with junior. She is terrified of you. After many conversations with new moms I can safely tell you that she has nightmares that you will run away, cheat, become disinterested, or fake your own death. Holding the baby will reassure her that you aren't going anywhere (if you are going somewhere you really should have thought this through better) which will ease her anxiety. Believe me, you want her anxiety eased, it makes life better for everyone.

3) Get your kitchen organized and make room for the bottles or formula on a low shelf near the 'fridge.

Since babies only want food/drink once you are asleep this will prevent you from going insane and/or injuring yourself when trying to make a midnight bottle. That way, when you wake up and hear the call of the hungry child (piercing wail) all you have to do is go to the one place you were probably going to go anyway. Make sure this shelf with the baby paraphernalia stays neat and tidy. It will save your life. For God's sake, don't be a scrub and make her get the milk/formula. She is most likely breast feeding every 3 hours for the first couple of weeks if not months, when its time to bottle up, grow up and be the errand boy.

4) Arthas can wait.

When you have your first baby, you will not believe how much time you wasted screwing around everyday (when you have your second, you will not believe how you found time to conceive). You must be able to focus and schedule effectively despite the lack of sleep. If you try to fit in all the things you used to do (WoW, Halo, Parcheesi) and raise a baby you will destroy yourself. Do yourself (and her) a big, big favor and pick the thing you do to relax the most and focus on that. Besides, your progeny is way more interesting, I promise.


Thursday, January 8, 2009

I find your lack of faith disturbing.




Witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational battle station.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

we still got love for the streets.







What's this thing you ask?

Its a trophy. Given to us by a group of our practice members.

Why?

Because I wasn't one of the "40 professionals under 40" award recipients. Despite the fact that my office completely dominates health care in our community through free public lectures, a book that I published, our spinal care class, my T.V. interview for the city on backpack safety, our office philosophy and physical layout with patient care at center stage. Not to mention that we are a referral only practice with a week long waiting list just to get in the door.

Yeah, we are awesome. We work harder than anyone else to make sure we are awesome. There is a reason why over 90% of the people who come into our office get/feel/are better according to a self reporting questionnaire we gave out in the fall.

But that's cool, I'm sure the chiropractor who did win has done a lot for the community, right? I'm sure his patient care model has revolutionized patient care, completely changing the failed paradigm of symptom-based tomfoolery.

Wrong. I'm not going into it here, but what a crock.

Apparently, word has gotten around our patient base about this brazen oversight. Yesterday we received this trophy.

I know doctors who can't get their patients to show up for an appointment, much less care whether their doctor wins recognition. If getting a trophy for not getting a trophy doesn't tell you how good we take care of our people then nothing will.

Also, whoever designed the city musuem downtown should get a trophy of thier own. That place owns.



Sunday, January 4, 2009

It's what I do.

I don't make New Years resolutions.

Not that I think I'm perfect or anything like that (ish), I don't make them because I spend the majority of my time helping other people accomplish theirs.

I want to lose weight.
I gotta get back in the gym.
I want to live longer for my kids.
I'm going to stop looking and feeling like an old man.
I need to look better naked.

All valid New Years resolutions, and all well within my sphere of influence.

Tomorrow when we open our doors we will be in the New Year's resolution maelstrom. From January to February we dispense more health advice and (this is the kicker) it gets followed better than any other time of year.

We answer every single question, we follow up with our practice members, we design work-outs. It is an awesome sight.

So yeah, I'm not doing resolutions for myself. I'm too busy making other people's come true.