skill sets

Lately we have been seeing a lot of new dads in the office. It's gotten to the point where I know the wife/girlfriend/co-conspirator is pregnant solely by looking at the man's face. I gotta tell 'ya, it's pretty brutal to look at sometimes. I have made it a point to pull them aside (the man) and issue several edicts that, if they follow, will make their (the man) transition into fatherhood that much easier.

1) Learn to get dressed in the dark.

If you wake the baby or the sleeping mother you fail and will be disparaged like the other scrub fathers when the moms get together. Your goal is to be the shining dad at these contests. Being able to get up, get your stuff, and get out without waking anyone up is a trick you should have mastered in college. If you did not, take the time before your baby is born to perfect it.

2) Hold the baby every chance you get.

One of the biggest fears that new moms have has nothing to do with junior. She is terrified of you. After many conversations with new moms I can safely tell you that she has nightmares that you will run away, cheat, become disinterested, or fake your own death. Holding the baby will reassure her that you aren't going anywhere (if you are going somewhere you really should have thought this through better) which will ease her anxiety. Believe me, you want her anxiety eased, it makes life better for everyone.

3) Get your kitchen organized and make room for the bottles or formula on a low shelf near the 'fridge.

Since babies only want food/drink once you are asleep this will prevent you from going insane and/or injuring yourself when trying to make a midnight bottle. That way, when you wake up and hear the call of the hungry child (piercing wail) all you have to do is go to the one place you were probably going to go anyway. Make sure this shelf with the baby paraphernalia stays neat and tidy. It will save your life. For God's sake, don't be a scrub and make her get the milk/formula. She is most likely breast feeding every 3 hours for the first couple of weeks if not months, when its time to bottle up, grow up and be the errand boy.

4) Arthas can wait.

When you have your first baby, you will not believe how much time you wasted screwing around everyday (when you have your second, you will not believe how you found time to conceive). You must be able to focus and schedule effectively despite the lack of sleep. If you try to fit in all the things you used to do (WoW, Halo, Parcheesi) and raise a baby you will destroy yourself. Do yourself (and her) a big, big favor and pick the thing you do to relax the most and focus on that. Besides, your progeny is way more interesting, I promise.